1 April, 2013
I was busy during GDC last week, meeting with people and making contacts. After a week of hard work, I have a tremendous announcement to make: I’m running a new Kickstarter campaign!
But wait! It’s even more exciting than you might possibly imagine. This is the mega-Kickstarter game campaign! I’ve gathered every major developer who has run a game-focused Kickstarter campaign and I’ve gotten them to join force into one, ultimate campaign!
Read on for information about the project and the tiers!
What are we going to do? It came to me while I was showering the other day: create the ultimate game that makes every other game, past; present; and future, obsolete. It’s going to be an RPG, FPS, RTS, beat-em-up, shmup, puzzle-focused casual sim action-adventure game with elements of fighting games, platforming, strategy, tactics, and collectable card games. It’ll be a fully-featured PvP/PvE MMO, and you’ll be able to run your own server, AND there will be an extensive single-player campaign with thousands of hours of hand-crafted content. It will be 100% DRM free and available only through Steam. It will feature player-created content with an innovative “make great content” button built right into the editor; an innovation so obvious, you’ll wonder why people didn’t create it before!
What makes this project truly unique is the creative vision. One creative vision is awesome, so a few dozen should be amazing! Here’s the current lineup of star talent:
Lord British will lend his flair for the original and visionary to guide the programming team!
Notch will contribute his amazing business insight to picking a name!
Mark Jacobs has advised us how to run the HR department!
Raph Koster is willing to lend a hand in marketing and promotion!
Peter Molyneux will help us in defining a reasonable scope for the project!
Tim Schafer offered us advice on how to live off food tossed out by restaurants until the Kickstarter campaign completes!
And many more! People added as I make them up!
For all this amazingness, we’re setting our goal at $829. Not that we can do anything with that little, but it’s a low figure and you’ll be more willing to support a project that has met its goal. Also, our mean family m members said we couldn’t make a game and we want to prove them wrong!
Q: What do you call a KS campaign with only one reward tier? A: PRE-ORDERS! But, pre-orders are so “brick and mortar”. This is the digital crowdfunded future, baby!
Let’s look at what you can spend your money to get.
$1: Read our bloviating! Thanks for your buck, now you get to read whatever spammy updates we send out!
$5: Less derision. We’ll spam you, but we’ll be a bit less condescending as we hit the “send” button.
$7: Cool person’s club! Yeah, still nothing but spam, but it the tier name sounds cooler.
$10: Crippleware. We’ll give you the game, but you’ll only really get about 10% of it because we’re going to charge you more later! 1% discount on the full version later.
$20: Amazing version! A copy of the game and a Lamborghini.
$30: Tabletop module. We’ll give you a crippleware version and a copy of a tabletop module that has almost nothing to do with the game, but hey, it bulks up our numbers to impress investors!
$50: “Full”* version of the game. Digital only. * NOTE: “Full” version may not actually include the entire game. Will include a Lamborghini on a roll of 8-12 on 2d6.
$125: Physical version! We’ll ship a CD to with the full version of the game on it. It’ll be outdated before we print the first CD, and require a 10 GB patch to play anyway!
$150: COLLECTOR’S EDITION! Physical version of the game, plus a cloth map like the ones that used to come with the $60 retail boxes!
$200: ULTRA COLLECTOR’S EDITION! Physical copy of the game, plus a cheap plastic tchotchke that will break after you touch it! (Map not included, may be included as an add-on detailed below.)
$1,000: MEGA ULTRA COLLECTOR’S EDITION! Very pretty sealed packaging with rocks inside. Opening the package would actually destroy the value, so why bother to put anything besides rocks inside?
$2,500: The version you actually want. This has all the features we pimp above, and has a decent selection of bonuses. Get ready to eat Ramen for the rest of the year!
$10,000: Blow and hookers edition. No, you don’t get the blow and hookers. That’s what we’re spending your money on if you pledge at this level.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE… STUFF YOU CAN BUY! WE LOVE MONEY!
Add-on $10: Get the Android version. But, you’ll just pirate it anyway, won’t you?
Add-on $20: Get a second Lamborghini!
Add-on $70: A cloth map, like the ones that came in the $60 retail boxes of yesteryear!
Add-on $100: Mark Jacobs will apologize for making Albion overpowered at DAoC’s launch.
Add-on $120: Dear friend We sell you fastest in-game gold! Safe and reliable! Best price guaranteed! xcsja325
Add-on $500: Get the official iPhone app that is basically a copy of our website only 2 months out-of-date!
Add-on $1,000: Kickstarter insurance! An innovative system were we will refund your money when… er, IF we somehow don’t deliver. Only good for COLLECTOR’S EDITION tiers and below. Insurance is non-refundable.
Add-on $2,500: Raph Koster apologizes to you personally for making you grind all those professions to unlock the Jedi class.
Add-on $3,000: Texture upgrade pack that makes the game look like it was released 10 years ago instead of during the 8-bit era!
Add-on $10,000: Psychochild will make a non-committal apology for adding faction loss to M59 without admitting to any wrongdoing.
Add-on $1,000,000,000: Lord British will apologize for calling you a lazy designer. Even though you really are kinda lazy.
You are so not ready for this awesomeness!
$1,000 – We get drunk on well drinks!
$5,000 – We get totally hammered on brand-name liquors!
$7,000 – We’ll build and release a tech demo that really should be something a few programmers bang out over a week, but we expect you to pay for.
$10,000 – We include Twitter integration, but really we’ll include it anyway.
$100,000 – We’ll develop a Mac OS X version. JUST KIDDING! Macs suck for gaming, and nobody cares how thin your laptop is. Get a real computer.
$1,000,000 – We might actually start working on a game rather than drinking ourselves stupid. Stupider.
$10,000,000 – Honestly, we’ll take the money and run at this point.
What risks? If we run out of money we just come back and ask for more. Or, if we want to be sneaky, we set up a ponzi scheme where we run a second KS campaign before the first game is even completed! We can’t foresee anything possibly going wrong!
Crowdfunding is the future!
The beautiful thing about crowdfunding is that it gives power back to the users. You might be a washed-up has-been of a business person who bankrupted a previous company and was forced to sell it to a publisher who sucked it dry, but that doesn’t matter if you know how to tickle a gamer’s nostalgia. Even if your last hit game was decade or two ago, or you’ve ruined your reputation with game publishers so badly that they wouldn’t want to work with you on a guaranteed success, there’s a bunch of people out with more money than sense who think you’re “sticking it to the man” by running a Kickstarter campaign.
Gods bless our customers, a new one born every minute.
I hope you’re as excited about our project as we are! After all, it’s not like we’re going to invest any of our own money into this sinking ship, right? ;)